"The sun rises in spite of everything"

sustained breathing, unlearning "excellence", and a lighter perspective

Sunrise on one snowy day. This photo has been edited for saturation on my Sony phone.

My previous post was written in a flash of anger and frustration. I was angry at myself, at the world, at circumstances beyond my control (such as inclement weather, and illness).

Funnily enough, the series of unfortunate events did not end with that post. I sprained my ankle on uneven ground at night sometime this week and was dramatically wheeled to the university hospital in a wheelchair in the rain and fitted with crutches. My mobility is somewhat impaired now, and it is inconvenient to get around. Thankfully, I have support in the form of kind friends who offered to help get me groceries, made me congee, gave me a lift, and have been patient with me and my accessibility needs. I am also using the school’s accessibility shuttle when I can. It’s a cute little vehicle that ferries around students/staff/visitors with accessibility needs.

As someone who walks really, really fast (or so I’ve been told) and whose primary mode of transportation is by foot/public transit, the sprained ankle and crutches situation was a big blow. Still, I’m putting things in perspective. There is a silver lining to it, as I have the time and space to process, slow down, and mellow out. It also helps that I’m sleeping and eating again.

My cousin in NY, D, also shared an anime, Freiren, which I am currently bingeing on (very unlike me, as I generally don’t watch shows much less binge them. Case in point: never had a Netflix subscription). Freiren is about an elven mage and her adventures, and I absolutely love the worldbuilding, the characters, and the moments of tenderness.

I think I am being a bit more open on this Substack space, than when I first started. As someone who is very self-conscious, I suppress and hold back a lot of myself in both real-life and virtual spaces. But writing is self-revelatory, and I cannot keep concealing how I feel, what I think, and who I am. Sometimes, my messiness and ugliness will seep out. So be it. I’m only human — flawed, messy, not always “nice” and accommodating, occasionally angry, usually moody, and prone to implosions which sometimes manifest as outbursts. As Elsa, the ice queen wisely sang in Let it Go,

Let it go, let it go
Can't hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door
I don't care what they're going to say
Let the storm rage on
The cold never bothered me anyway

Yes, perhaps I identify too much with Elsa. And I have a lot to learn about isolation, letting people in, leaning on people for help, etc. A song that I’ve been listening to is Some Kind of Lonely by Harbor and Home.

Speaking of being “nice and accommodating”, I am learning how to be less of a pushover. It took me a month to reflect on what year I want 2024 to be for myself — but as of tonight, I’ve decided that it will be a year of self-preservation and boundaries. For my own sanity, health, and wellbeing. It takes a lot to unlearn people-pleasing habits, but I need to cease pouring myself and my energies out at my own expense. “No” is a complete sentence. I will not be a battery that falls flat because of all the “yes-es” I mindlessly commit to.

I am also just aiming to pass my classes this term, instead of pushing myself to high standards of excellence as I did for every other term that has come before. Good enough is good enough. I have written to my instructors about my accommodation needs and personal circumstances and literally told them up front that I am just aiming to pass. That doesn’t mean I slack off and be less than a responsible student. Instead, it means that I don’t beat myself up over imperfect assignments that do not match up to my ridiculously high standards and expectations. If you know me in real life, or have known me for years as an old friend, you might be surprised or even shocked, because pushing myself to the limit is one of the things I’m known for. I’m trying to live, though, and this mode of operating is not sustainable or livable.

So…yes, a lot to unlearn and navigate.

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If you were wondering, the title of this post comes from Derek Mahon’s poem, "Everything is Going to be All Right”:

How should I not be glad to contemplate
the clouds clearing beyond the dormer window
and a high tide reflected on the ceiling?
There will be dying, there will be dying,
but there is no need to go into that.
The lines flow from the hand unbidden
and the hidden source is the watchful heart.
The sun rises in spite of everything
and the far cities are beautiful and bright.
I lie here in a riot of sunlight
watching the day break and the clouds flying.
Everything is going to be all right